|
This was a hard poem to write, not for
psychological reasons related to content, but on purely mechanical
grounds. I found it difficult to find appropriate rhymes, and I had a
hard time structuring the verses to tell the story I wanted to tell. In
particular, I went through several revisions trying to clarify the
relative ages of the principals without seeming too heavy-handed about
it. Even more difficult was the
matter of setting up the conversation itself, preparing the reader for
the last verse, which was actually the first verse to be written.
Whereas the version above takes two verses to set up the climax, the
original poem had but a single, somewhat inadequate verse:
|
We had a
tête-à-tête one day
On family affairs
And shared our
thoughts with honesty
That took us
unawares. |
I had never been completely comfortable with
the final verse. This verse originally read:
|
When I said I
thought I loved her,
Her words hit me in
the gut:
“I’m not sure about
my feelings;
I can’t make a
promise, but ...” |
This verse had myriad flaws, with
corresponding constraints that made it difficult to remove them. The
meter of the first line was inconsistent with the rest of the poem, yet
I could not find a way, for example, of ending on a stressed syllable.
My primary concerns involved the second line, however. It did not scan
well either, and it was constrained by having to rhyme with “but,” a
nonnegotiable for the poem. There are limited possibilities here, and
words like “peanut” clearly had little potential. “Gut” seemed
indelicate for the poem generally, and the line I had put it in did not,
as they say, flow trippingly off the tongue. I considered lines ending
in “what” (not-promising), “clear-cut” (missing the point), and “cut”
(suggesting conflicting ideas). I seriously considered lines ending in
the latter two words, but I was not really satisfied. On the other hand,
recasting the line to use different rhyming words expanded my thinking
of how it could be structured. When I returned to considering the use of
“gut” at the insistence of reviewers, I found that I was able to achieve
a more acceptable meter. I first used “struck my gut” instead of “hit me
in the gut.” It was not until I introduced the word “punched” into the
line, however, that I thought I might have found the right solution. The
line became more vivid without seeming too crass. Perhaps the final line is not perfect—I
would like to describe the reply as “breathtaking”—but it conveys the intensity
of feelings evoked. To lead into the revised line, I reordered the first
one a bit, adding “and” on the end. This put the right number of
syllables in the line, though in a slightly defective meter. Perfect
poetry is an illusive thing!
And, yes, this poem, too, is
autobiographical. The story is one I attempted to tell before, but this
was the first time I was able to work it all out. As for how the story
ends—this poem concludes with what clearly is another beginning—all I need
say is that my last poem, “Voyage of the Heart”
is about the same young woman.
In case I did not achieve the clarity I
intended, let me explain that I was smitten by someone who seemed, in my
young adulthood, impossibly older. (I actually was somewhat older than
the poem implies.) Neither of us had ever hinted at any
interest in a romantic relationship, and I cannot recall anything that
might be construed as an intimate conversation between us having taken place before
the one described in the poem. As we got more deeply into truth-telling,
I decided to disclose my feelings, and I did so without the slightest
expectation—and probably without the slightest hope—that such a declaration
would be taken seriously. What I heard instead was an acknowledgement
that our romantic involvement would seem surprising and
unconventional—the young woman was the older sister of my best friend, a
detail that seemed an unnecessary and complicating fact in the poem—but
that there was enough mutual affection to justify seeing where it might
take us. I’m not sure that either of us were being very practical at the
time, but I certainly was excited in anticipation of what might be. I
would like to think that she was, too.
I worked on this poem for about a week,
finishing on 3/5/2006. I made several minor revisions thereafter,
completing the poem on 3/10/2006, after my writers’ group convinced me
that my reservations about the penultimate verse were well-founded. The
help of a couple of friends outside my writers’ group was essential to
polishing this piece to my satisfaction, and I am very grateful to them
for it.
— LED, 3/10/2006 |
